May 15 Mother’s Day can be Bittersweet for Foster Mothers

(May 15, 2025)

Mother’s Day has been a bit difficult for me over the past 12 years since losing my own mother. Throughout the years, my husband and children have made this day so special for me. The past two years have stirred up new, more complex emotions for me as a foster mother. I have had the honor and privilege of loving and caring for the sweetest little girl for the past 14 months. Don’t get me wrong, this precious child brings me a lot of joy but as a mother, my heart also breaks for her mother. Regardless of her current circumstances, her mother loves her and wishes she was home with her. How am I supposed to be happy knowing her mother is without her children on a day that she should be celebrated? Sure, she has made mistakes, but she is still their mother. How can I not feel some guilt being able to spend Mother’s Day with this amazing little human only because her mother cannot? These conflicting emotions can absolutely coexist.

May is National Foster Care Awareness Month. This is a time to recognize the resilience of children in foster care and acknowledge foster parents, family members, volunteers, mentors, child welfare professionals, policymakers, and other members of the community who help these children. We know that it is best for children to remain at home whenever they can do so safely. When they can’t remain in their homes, the next best option is for them to be placed with kin. When there is no appropriate kin available, we look to traditional foster parents to open up their hearts and homes to children in need. This is not an easy role to fill, but it is necessary. Most people do not become foster parents for recognition or accolades, but rather to help children in need. This is a commendable and valuable contribution to society that should be recognized. At the same time, it is crucial to remember and support biological parents. Most parents are not bad people, but instead have found themselves in bad situations and/or are working to overcome significant challenges in their life. I want my foster child to know how much she means to me, not just by the love that I have for her, but for the love I show to her mother. We are in this together and at the end of the day, children should be with their parents whenever possible.

Mother’s Day is not the only time throughout the year where foster parents can and should show their support to the biological parent(s). Ongoing family engagement between the two families is often in the best interest of the child. Similar to divorced parents who have to find a way to co-parent for the sake of their children, foster parents must try to co-parent with individuals whom they may not be friends with or have the same approach to parenting. There won’t always be agreement between the parents except on one thing: They both love the children and want what is best for them.

If you are interested in learning more about how to include birth mothers on Mother’s Day or how to include birth parents throughout fostering, check out these links:

3 Ways to Support Your Foster Child’s Mom on Mother’s Day (A Fostered Life)
Mother’s Day considerations for Foster Parents (video) (Foster Parent Partner)
Foster Kids Can Be Torn Between Worlds On Mother’s Day (WAMC)
5 ways to manage Mother’s Day with foster children (Capstone Foster Care)
Partnering With Birth Parents to Promote Reunification (Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS)

Heather Wilkes, Allies for Children Policy Director